I have something very important to tell you. Your life may depend on this information. I would now begin sharing this information with you, but I am not sure what that information is yet. In the meantime I have a story to tell you.

This is a cautionary tale. It is a sordid epic full of perils and sorrow and for an unlucky few, death by four-wheel drive. Of course, I can be talking about nothing other than an education in Washington, D.C. traffic laws. Like most people, I assumed that all of our nation's states, territories, and districts obey the same general traffic codes. For example, a green light means go. When a person has a green light in Minnesota they pass through the intersection unimpeded. There are other common traffic laws as well. Another is that no matter where the police are going, they can go whatever speed they wish. This rule does not apply to the rest of us. The police become very angry when you try to copy them by going 69 in a 55. I have tried to do this in two states.

These and many other rules are accepted as common knowledge. No one ever experiments with changing these rules. You can see why I thought Washington, D.C. would have the same traffic codes as Northfield, Minnesota. Unfortunately, I could not have been more wrong.

The streets of D.C. are a dangerous place. My mother did warn me about the drugs, prostitution, and violent murders. But not once did she say anything about the murderous Volkswagens and taxis. These diabolical machines chase people in terror through the streets of Washington. After almost losing my life to these things several times, I did some research in D.C. traffic laws. I discovered several startling differences that I feel I should share with you. I copied down the following:

Section 326453 =AD Red Light

This signal means that you have 10 seconds after its appearance to get through the intersection. It does not mean stop. The people behind will become angry if you stop. If you are turning right, you should have no concern for the people crossing the street. You have the right of way and should not be afraid of running over people.

Section 896723 =AD Crosswalk Signal

The crosswalk signal is for decoration purposes only. The signal is designed to make the large tourist population that is present in Washington, D.C. feel more comfortable. If they see it, they will feel that it is safe to cross the street. In reality, cars always have the right of way. Officially the hand signal means that if you cross you are certain to die. The walk signal means that your chances for death while crossing are slightly lower. People seen crossing the street will not be prosecuted. However, they will be labeled stupid and naive.

Section 578329 =AD Use of the car horn

Unlike in the States, where the horn is reserved for the moment when you say to yourself, "Dang, I'm about to die," district residents should feel free to use their horn whenever they become angry. Are you mad because they guy in front of you is stopped because he wants to turn? Honk. Don't like the fact that the lady in front of you went from 0-60 in 2.1 seconds instead of 1.3? Honk. Are you having a bad day? Honk.

I was dismayed after reading these laws. I immediately found a high-ranking official in the District of Columbia Department of Motor Vehicles. Here is a transcript of the interview:

Me: Why are your traffic laws so radically different here?

DMV: We wanted to make things interesting.

Me: Yes, but these laws are dangerous.

DMV: That's your opinion sir.

Me: But people are dying!

DMV: Sir, let's calm down and take a breath here. I am not your enemy.

Me: Fine. Are you considering any changes to the present law?

DMV: Yes, we would like to allow drivers the option of mounting a small machine gun on their cars. Right now we feel that people cannot adequately protect themselves. Here at the DMV we are interested in making D.C. roads safer for everyone.

(No Comment is written each week to fill blank space in this newspaper. The writer apologizes to anyone with high expectations. He can be reached at smithbn@stolaf.edu.)