A few nights ago I watched a movie called 'The Skulls', which talked about a secret organization that had lots of money and cool guy stuff to give to its members. This movie gave away a one of Washington's biggest secrets: George Bush was a member of 'The Skulls'. Yes, it's true, the movie said so, and if it's on my TV, it's real.

Since that movie I have begun to notice that a lot of people are giving away secrets. It is common knowledge that Washington, D.C. is in the business of secrets. In fact, although the government has kept it a secret, our entire national budget goes towards protecting top-secret information. No one is sure what this information is, probably because it is secret. (I'm guessing that the information probably just details the secret process that the government uses to keep secrets.) Lately, I've noticed a disturbing trend: our high-ranking officials keep giving these secrets away. If you're like me, you've often felt outraged after watching the nightly news and seeing something like the following:

Anchor: Let's go to Bob in Washington, D.C. for a special report from Capital Hill.

Correspondent: High-ranking sources confirmed tonight that the United States is the richest country on earth.

Anchor: OK, thank you Bob for that groundbreaking report.

How dare this official give away such vital information! I demand to know who these high-ranking officials are. They must be held accountable. I want to know where I can find a high-ranking official. And why do they keep giving national secrets away?

Several weeks ago I witnessed a large gathering native to this part of the United States: a presidential inauguration. This event takes place in a large grassy area that the people here think is a mall. Of Course, we Minnesotans know that the Mall of America is a mall. Washingtonians clearly attempted to copy our mall when they named theirs the National Mall.

However, Washingtonians have completely misunderstood the purpose of a mall; they made a large grassy area. No stores. No food court. And most inconceivable of all, no theme parks named after cartoon characters. Instead of going there to buy things, the people, probably out of frustration for not having a real mall, use the area for large gatherings and protests. Sometimes they protest buying, while other times they beg the government to help them get more money so they can buy. The people here assure me this makes perfect sense.

Anyway, apparently hundreds of thousands of people were there to watch George W. Bush become the president of the United States. The strangest thing was that most of them could not actually see this event take place. From my vantage point, which was much better than most, there was nothing more than a large building looming in the distance. Everyone in the crowd assumed something was happening there. I am not so sure anything did.

This event was an excellent opportunity to learn more about secrets in D.C. Clearly there is no better place to start such a search than the Secret Service. After all, Secret is their middle name. Well, actually it's their first name but that's beside the point. As you can imagine, there were just a few of these guys present at the presidential inauguration. I was thoroughly disappointed after seeing them however. Despite their name, these agents are anything but secret. I have observed three requirements for becoming a Secret Service Agent. It appears that the group is going out of its way to make sure it does not stay secret.

Here are the requirements:

1. You must have a trench coat.

2. You must be at least 10' tall.

3. You must have been born with a radio in one of your ears.

Obviously, no one with these qualities can be a secret for too long.

The other day I was walking by the White House and saw one of these giants. Yours truly was able to get an interview.

Me: How do you like being a Secret Service Agent?

Secret Service guard:

Me: OK? Well, what's the president like?

Secret Service guard: (Slightly adjusts Uzi shoulder strap)

Me: Well that was great! Thanks for your time!

After talking to several high-ranking officials I have obtained the following information: we have these Secret Service Agents because there are people who want to kill our president. You heard it here first folks.

(No Comment lies dormant for several days on a computer before striking out at readers with a terrible ferocity. The writer apologizes for this unintended consequence. He can be reached at smithbn@stolaf.edu.)