Washington, D.C. is perhaps the greatest place on earth to write a humorous column. Today was supposed to be the day the "Storm of the Century" hit. Meteorologists were predicting as much as 16 inches. These guys are AMS certified. As it turns out my prediction of one inch was closer to the truth. Now I am checking into whether I am also AMS certified.

The newspapers were predicting total destruction: markets would fail, looting would break out, and the U.S. government would collapse into anarchy. When I first got wind of the coming chaos I thought aliens had landed on the National Mall or that maybe Russia had unleashed their entire nuclear arsenal at us. I thought about investing in one of those power generators from the Y2K days that are on clearance. But then I calmed down and asked someone what all the panic was about. Here is that conversation:

Me: What's going on?

Washingtonian: It's horrible, man. We're all gonna die.

Me: From what?

Washingtonian: The snow, dude. It's coming. At least two inches. And I'm only 21, man. I still have things I want to do in life.

Washington, D.C. is also probably the single greatest place to be a kid growing up. I am serious. Where else on Earth will your school shut down at least one day every week because the weatherman mentioned it might snow? During this semester I have learned that Minnesotans are evidently the only people in the universe who know that meteorologists are never right. When I was growing up in Nebraska and school was cancelled due to snow I stayed inside because there was probably at least nine or ten inches. Schools here cancel if a meteorologist says something like: ³There are clouds west of here. It is winter. Therefore the clouds have snow.² Of course the clouds never do, so D.C. kids are often seen playing baseball and going on bike rides on ³snow days.²

Why does D.C. have such a huge fear of snow? I have come up with my own theory. I call it the ³Snow Days Are Nice² Theory. I believe that people just like to stay home from work and school. Society here has subconsciously come up with a way to get more days off from work and school. Everyone subconsciously works together to get more snow days. The meteorologists provide the ³snow.² The newspapers and TV studios provide the hype. School officials provide the cancelled schools, so that parents are ³forced² into staying home for the day to watch their kids. I've said before that I am a highly qualified sociologist with no classes and no experience in the field. So I know exactly what I'm talking about. I should become a full-time expert and sell my theory.

Unfortunately, as you read this I am probably dead. It is snowing here in Washington, D.C. There is already a quarter inch. Another one to one and a half inches are expected. If you look outside you can see only a mile or two. The winds are beating against my dorm window at a brisk 3 mph. The forty-degree temperatures are literally freezing the blood in my veins. At noon I was starving for some food so I made a quick run for the cafeteria. I actually had to wear a sweatshirt just so I could make the 30 second walk outside. Soon my roommate and I will be frozen dead in our beds. It has already begun snowing inside our room.

Outside my room the scene is a grizzly one. Most schools were cancelled today. Left without anyone to watch their children, thousands of workers stayed home. People anticipating the two inches of snow have emptied store shelves. Meteorologists are becoming bigger household names than the President and O.J. Simpson. Meanwhile, commuters have had to lower themselves to take‹oh the horror‹mass transit. Those who did drive were forced to lower their speeds 10, even 20 mph; all the way down to the speed limit. Pray for us.

(No Comment will be on vacation next week in sunny New York City, ³home of cars, concrete, and contentment"‹to escape the frozen wasteland that is Washington, D.C.)