Well, here we are at last! For some of you, this was one of the shortest summers on record, we're sure, while for others, it seemed as though the blasted thing just wouldn't die. Without mentioning which version we ourselves suffered through, whoops, experienced, we would like to just skip ahead and say welcome to the Hill once again. It's good to be back, and that ain't no foolin'.

J: So, now that our oh-so-exciting summer consisting of jobs such as cleaning up after the elephants at the zoo and tedious embalming work is over, I bet you're certainly glad to be back here.
E: Absolutely. The good thing about St. Olaf is that there's always something exciting to talk about. Not anything lame like elections.
J: Agreed. Who honestly cares about a competition between a nepotistic hick from Texas trying to be the next Kennedy and Data from Star Trek coming to terms with his budding emotions? Certainly not the majority of the American public.
E: No, what the majority of the American public really cares about is when that god-awful show "Big Brother" will end so that CBS has room enough to start airing quality programming, like Bette Midler pushing up her boobs on national television.
J: So, not that Bette's cleavage doesn't fascinate me, but I think we're getting a bit off topic. Um... what was that again?
E: The intrigue and complexities of the political system here at St. Olaf. Apparently, now that Kevin McClear has graduated, the search committee for a new president has found a suitable replacement.
J: Yes, let's all welcome Christopher "The Titan" Thomforde from Lindsborg, Kansas to the melting pot that is St. Olaf.
E: I believe the PC term is "salad bowl."
J: And just think, with Edwards leaving, we won't have any bleu cheese dressing.
E: Just less mold to worry about! Now all we have left are a bunch of identical green leaves and one crouton.
J: Onward with the Fourth Reich's conformity rulings!
E: Have you ever noticed how everyone here wears exactly the same shoes?
J: Just part of the master plan. Which brings to mind, have you reported yet for your mandatory re-dying of your hair? That blue shade is just too noticeable.
E: Well, they haven't done anything about that developing hump on your back. (now drooling) Sanctuary! Sanctuary!!
J: Who's talking? Does anybody hear an elf?
E: (shouting) Well, at least I'm not from Iowa!
J: And now that our obligatory insult session has reached a close, back to some broader issues. After this summer, I now consider myself extremely enlightened as to the culture of small-town America.
E: Passing through both Licking AND Flushing, Ohio, doesn't count as culturally enriching.
J: What about smuggling illegal fireworks back into the state?
E: Only if you're Jesse Ventura.