Hey sports fans, I got a cool $2.2 million sitting right here for the taking. Interested?

Of course you are, but youıre wondering, "Whatıs the catch? What do I have to do?" Well, itıs pretty easy actually­you just have to climb in the ring with Mike Tyson. Andrew Golota did it last Friday night and even though the fight was scheduled for 10 rounds, oleı "Golota Gotta Get Outta Here" decided that two was enough. So, he quit. Just decided before the start of the third round that he had had enough and that $2.2 million didnıt sound so bad. And with a flourish, the Polish Pistol was out of there.

Now, you could do that right? All you have to do is dance around a ring for six minutes against Iron Mike and then take a dive. Shoot, Golota didnıt even wait for the round to begin or a real punch to go down. Maybe you could follow his lead and trip while entering the ring and plead that you canıt go on. While everyone is booing you, a soft whisper of "Suckas" and the feeling of all that dough in your back pocket will make you feel a little better.

Of course, as always, there is more to this story than meets the eye. Golota left the ring that night to a "chorus of boos, a shower of soda and beer and severe criticism from the media" (according to espn.com) and probably with a little bit of his pride shaken (but, mind you‹ $2.2 million). His wife is a lawyer in Chicago (isnıt it nice that one member of this household has a steady job to pay the bills while the other can pursue silly hobbies? Hey Golota, hereıs a tip‹ stick to Toughman competitions against Butterbean. You make less money, but feel better in the end, I guarantee) had her law office in Northwest Chicago pelted with eggs and garbage dumped in front of it.

Whew‹ you thought Golota feared Tyson? That was probably nothing compared to when his wife came home after having someoneıs trash dumped in front of her office. AND, Golota went to the hospital.

After an initial examination for "sissyitis" (a rare disease thought to have originated somewhere in Dallas around the time Deion Sanders was told to start making tackles instead of just dancing around), a more thorough examination was given. This is what was found‹ Golota had a concussion, a fractured left cheekbone, a herniated disk in his neck, three hangnails, and severe dehydration (thought to have been caused by running from his wife after the whole garbage incident).

Ok, I think you know which of those injuries were real and which werenıt. Doctors at the hospital in Chicago said that if Golota had sustained another severe blow to the head, he could have become paralyzed. Plus, after the fight Tyson said he had grown quite "hungry" during the second round and kept looking at Golota's ear. Does that $2.2 million sound quite as appetizing now? I didnıt think so.

But what I did start thinking was how important $2.2 million is to me. In other words, what would I do (or not do) in the world of sports to get that much money? Let me tell you, for a kid that thinks finding a dollar in the pocket of his jeans he wore three weeks ago is like winning the lottery, over 2 million dollars is a LOT. Iım pretty sure that would buy a couple of Jackıs Pizzas down at County Market (wait a minute, youıre dreaming if you think that I would stay in Northfield with that much money). But, as with everything, there is a limit. SoŠŠ..I am here to tell you what I would and wouldnıt do for $2.2 million dollars (Drum roll please)ŠŠŠ
I wouldnıtŠŠ.
Mud-wrestle naked with that Richard Hatch guy from "Survivor" or St. Olafıs very own Rob Ward. ‹Yeah, yeah, "Survivor" is so yesterday, but Iıve been thinking about this and I really, REALLY wouldnıt do it.
I wouldŠŠ
Mud-wrestle (not naked, Iım not going that far) with the womenıs U.S. Olympic Volleyball team (and allow them to say to me in the immortal words of Bill Murray in Caddyshack, "Bark like a dog"). Woof, woof.
I wouldnıtŠ..
Break my bat in any direction even close to Roger Clemens if he is pitching.
I wouldŠŠ
Order that writers can no longer use the term "Subway Series" to describe the Yankees and Mets playing and instead order them to be a little more creative.
I wouldŠ.
Send Bobby Knight to anger-management classes so he can get back to being a good basketball coach.
I wouldnıtŠŠ
Be waiting for him when he gets out of those classes, say, "Whatıs up Knight", or go hunting with him, or be sitting in the chair near him when he gets angry, orŠ.you get the picture.
I wouldŠ..
Bet on the Yankees to win the World Series.
I wouldnıtŠ..
Do it with Pete Rose.
I wouldŠ..
Play Kobe Bryant in a game of 1-on-1. Trust me, with skills like mine, you can handle the embarrassment, because youıre used to it.
I wouldnıtŠ..
Play the game anywhere other than at a high school, because Kobe would be so busy looking at the girls that I might have a shot. Ok, Kobe is engaged to a girl that just graduated from high school. Never quite as funny when you have to explain your jokesŠŠ.

So there you have it, folks. $2.2 million is out there somewhere for the taking. You just have to know where to find it and what youıre willing to do for it (authorıs note: if anyone out there were willing to just GIVE me the $2.2 million, I would do that. A thought to consider). Until next time, sport fans-just remember, you heard it here first.