I was recently asked about values in a person that I found attractive. Physical appearance was an immediate thought. Let's be honest here. Well, at least I'll be. One of the first things that people notice is the "outside." It's pretty hard to tell a person's personality just by looking alone. Although there is obviously more beyond the way a person looks, it can be a means to sort things out, whatever things they may be. But even then the "look" never fully stands the test. If you knew someone for a while, you could begin to find their personality charming or even funny, and that might be attractive to you. You could choose any quality that you valued and see how this person "measured up." It's not even about notions of attraction on a romantic basis, however, that I'm exclusively trying to get at. In any person, in any kind of friend, in the people that you consciously choose to surround yourself with, what kind of values would these people have to have? Of course you can't force your values onto them, they should already have these values and thus you've become friends.

When I was asked the question, it hit me then and there, that I suppose above all I placed honesty as a top value; honesty to me, in all things and above all to thyself. We can all relate to or imagine the notion of dishonesty. It can be so easy to tell a lie and then the rest just comes. One lie starts another and then things become more complex than they should be. I believe that if things are at all avoidable and unnecessary that they should be left alone. I've come to realize that dishonesty is one such thing.

Being dishonest just further complicates things. You find yourself dodging things and creeping around as opposed to just living normally and taking a step wherever and whenever you please. I suppose there are limits to honesty, though. Sometimes a certain person can still fully understand even if they don't know everything. And does that person even need to know everything if you're the teller? But is holding back information not fully telling the truth? But what additional information does any person need to know? All they need to know is the pertinent information that applies to what they should be aware of.

I don't mean to come off as suddenly preachy and so moral, but honestly I feel as though we've somehow placed honesty up on some pedestal, viewing it as some high holy code that shadows the way we live. Honesty is simply communication. It's just telling someone what you think. If you don't tell them that somehow, they'll never know. Lies can break that communication by convoluting and cluttering what should be simple and clear; what can continue and resume as things being "normal."

Being dishonest can also affect the soul. If you lie, you might not feel it the first time, but you might soon begin to walk around with a heavy soul; a huge sense of guilt. It's not so much about being moral and/or upholding any virtue, it's about being a real person. No one should have to work to be an honest person.

For me honesty is about being honest to others, honest about things and of course being honest to oneself. People, especially friends should feel okay about being able to be honest with each other. I don't know if I'd call a friend someone who I wouldn't feel comfortable with being honest. That could be honesty about a topic or an idea. It could also mean being honest directly to that person. There is no way two people can ever fully know each other or fully teach each other everything about themselves. But by spending time, by being real people to each other we can begin to learn about the other person without actual direct telling of oneself, but rather by showing. I would like to think that my friends are mostly honest with me and only to the extent that I really need to be. I would also like to think that they are also comfortable in being able to confide in me and be honest with me concerning anything.

Then there's being honest to oneself. Sometimes people don't live, but they feel the need to act, or project some alternate lifestyle or artificial living or social status. Any sort of cover or front that is applied that is very unlike what actually exists at the core of anyone is dishonesty to the self. At some point you'll think that no one even knows the real you and perhaps it was not that you had poor friends but that you never let them see the real you because in fact you were not real with them.

As we head into the new year, we might not necessarily reflect on the past year in this sort of way. I think, as students, sometimes we might think on an academic calendar. But I am suggesting to each of you that you consider what honesty means to you. How important is it to you? To the people you love? Are you always honest with yourself?

You'll find as I have found, that being honest somehow has this power that sets you free. And maybe it hurts the one you love, the friends on which you depend, but it also hurts you. In order to heal, you might need to feel some hurt. It all teaches us that we are humans, we make mistakes. Mistakes teach us to be better people hopefully and sometimes that's all we can ask for.